I’ve been working on practice queries going on three days now, because my query submission skills suck major balls, and not in that fun way that could actually be somewhat productive. I know I’m overthinking it; three articles into how NOT to write a query, and I’m waffling between beating my head against the wall and trying to convince myself that I don’t REALLY want a literary agent to read my stuff, anyway. Which is a total fucking lie. The truth is, I NEED someone to sell me for me, because I’m terrible at it.
A friend of mine told me that I should create a persona. I could create a fake name, set up a website, and do all this shit that would probably be great for hawking my gay fantasy erotica. Quite frankly, the whole process seems exhausting, and I’m a terrible actor. If I tried to create a sexy persona, it would just come across as clownish and ridiculous.
It’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with having a persona; I just don’t see how people have the time for it. I mean, I spent two hours last night researching orphans and servants in the 17th century, so that I can write maybe four fucking paragraphs about it that hold up to loose scrutiny. And then there’s the writing itself, which takes up a goodly portion of the free time that I’m not spending on Twitter shaking my fist in the air at Donald Trump. Also, I don’t look remotely coquettish while engaging in either of these activities, unless you think my nerd-chic glasses, an over-sized Bob Ross t-shirt, and plaid pajama shorts are the new Betty Boop. In that case, I’m cute AF.
Also, there’s no fucking way I’m putting a fake name on this stuff. I work my ass off; I’m not letting some slutty alter ego take all the credit while I stand off in the sidelines in obscurity. Plus, I’m kind of proud of my little endeavor. Every book I write is exactly the book that I personally wanted to read, and I’m just truly self-absorbed enough to really appreciate that.
Lastly, I hate the idea that anyone would ever think that I’m embarrassed about writing erotica. A LOT of people seem to have a stick up their asses about it, for either moral or so-called intellectual reasons. All I can say to that, is whatever, man. You do you; I’m not remotely interested in selling you on a new state of mind. There was once a time when I thought that adults being fans of Harry Potter was patently ridiculous, fool that I was. We are all victims of our own hubris at one time or another.